COLOGNIC IRRIGATORS 2019 25th-28th Sep

Up for it were:

Yupmeister, Ali Gee, R G Bargee, Digger Dave (Hulson), Turkish Tone, Benson B.Eds (Brian Edwards), Handy (Rogers), Tim Mothy, Sean of the Amey Wameys, 2 Pie Hard Dave Semi-Colon, Bolt, Jacko, DCeen, Stubbee, Sid and JayCee in spirit...

Wed 25th September

The usual pre-dawn bus started in Uttoxeter at 4:45 and travelled via Trentham, Westbury. Alsager and Sandbach to Manchester, Terminal 2. “You can walk from here” claimed the driver before being persuaded to continue to terminal 3 via 2 miles of country lanes in the dark.

Check-in proved simple once both desks were opened and the Orientals cleared but security was carried out in traditional Manchester style for those selected for random bullying. Greta Thunberg’s appeal to deter flying was being enforced. Yup disappeared for interrogation and was stripped of his deodorant which was 50ml. over the limit. “What a faff.” he messaged.

The Squarrites were met by the Gaters in the bar where bacon buns of various sizes were ordered with coffee. The first class lounge was overhead and surrounded in glass to display comfortable empty chairs in a spacious setting but in steerage class there were few seats.

Digger ordered a drink from the bar and politely addressed the waitress “W J Lees” as displayed on her shirt. “Thank you for looking at my boobs” she said proudly sticking her chest forward. “I look at your eyes-perhaps your Japs eye” she winked.

Digger quickly realised that there was no acceptable response.

Boarding went largely to plan with the Squarrites distributed around the plane for take off delayed by 30 minutes. The flight was uneventful though Sid offered a €20 note for water but, with no change available, had to pay €6 by card with an undeclared exchange rate. Yup missed the drinks trolley altogether.

The flight was tail wind assisted with touch down back on schedule. The introduction to super efficient Germany was not impressive. The automatic immigration gates failed, the border guard was surly and the toilets were out of action.

DC led the way to the train station to buy a group ticket and was helped by a woman who appeared to be a tour assistant but then wanted money as a tip. The Squarrites only had notes and cards and smiled back in ignorance. A group of 15 proved perfect as 3 groups of 5 tickets were purchased by DC on debit card for €40. It was noted that it was fortunate that there was not one more Squarrite present.

Onboard, the train inspector called for ticket display. “Hands up” he called for the head count, and the whole carriage obliged. An unfortunate guest worker appeared to be fined heavily for carrying the wrong ticket.

B.Ed. led the way into Gaffel am Dom opposite the station and by the Cathedral where beers were ordered from the waiter who dropped by every 10 minutes with a fresh 0.2 litre glass. 14 Curryworst & pommes and one soup was ordered as the group huddled around one table. Sid opted to sit in the window “It worked well for me in Amsterdam.” he said.

The beer mat filled with ticks and Tony called for €20 each to cover the cost of food and 105 beers totalling €290. Yup’s sausage was particularly phallic to merit copying to JC. who replied that it was good to see that at least one could stand to attention.

The Hotel Mondial am Dom was perfectly situated by the station and, for the lucky one upgraded, with a view of the Cathedral. Check-in was quick and the Squarrites regrouped after 10 minutes to exchange details of their bathroom greenhouses. They were good for watching television during ablutions but lacking dignity. There were no drawers and the only shelf was well above eye level. The concierge desk offered modesty paper to obscure the clear glass but found no takers.

It was time for some culture and the Squarrites made their way into the Cathedral.

The interior masonry was as delicate as the exterior with vast spaces supported by ornate slender columns.

Früh am Dom was our first stop. We were ushered into a quiet back room so after just one round we continued to the Brauhaus Sion brewery. We were forbidden to sit outdoors and were taken indoors for more 0.2 litre glasses of pils served from a Kranz or the “wreath of Kölsch”; a circular tray that could be rotated under a flow of beer like a capstan.

A visit to Peters Brauhaus was postponed in favour of the Craft Beer Corner where a selection of beers was available. It became apparent that the local custom was for pils to be served in 0.2l slim glasses but for dark and white beers to be served in 0.5 litre tankards.

A large group of drinkers from Norwich stood at the bar and detracted from the sense of being far away abroad but the beer was definitely tastier.

Yup led the way through the City to the Pizzeria Toscanini where a variety of pizzas were ordered. The pizzas were good but the oven was small so that only two were served at a time. Andy was able to supplement his meal by generous donations of hot and pickled peppers.

Yup remarked that Brexit remained a farce. “What we need is an extension” he claimed. “You always were in need of an extension” replied Andy.

Digger commented “I hate Italians with their slanty little eyes. “No sorry that’s italics” he corrected.

He was training Tony for a magic show to be performed on Friday but warned not to fall for the trick where he asks you to close your eyes and open your mouth.

The Squarrites trudged the long walk back to the Hotel in need of a good nights sleep after the long day. However the beds were hard and unyielding to result in much discomfort and little sleep.

An unassuming building shared with a nursery contained a Museum of Laurel & Hardy memorabilia treasured by the genial host.

“Where do you come from?” he asked. When I am asked where I’m from I say “Germany.” When they then ask “What part”, I reply “All of me”.

He had started his collection 30 years earlier with a purchase from a market stall in Holland next to a porn stall and now had all 106 carefully restored films of their output. Every space contained posters for films, models of the comedians from life size to miniature and ornaments that would have been regarded as junk in any other setting. Even the loo contained an array of Laurel & Hardy toilet roll holders.

Beer and water was available as the Squarrites watched two restored films. The first had been chosen by the host to display Stan Laurel’s creative genius and the second to show their transition to talkies.

The host thanked B.Ed. for his visit and presented him with a commemorative, but vicious looking, folding knife and was surprised when B.Ed. expressed doubts on getting it onto the flight home.

The Squarrites returned to Solingen station for quick snacks before boarding a train to Wuppertal with a stop at Muengsteren to see Germany’s tallest railway bridge. Tall bridges span deep valleys as the Squarrites discovered on their way to the river.

The views of the bridge were impressive and the woodland was pristine though devoid of bird sound.

The café was clad in unprotected steel resulting in a rustic colour that blended with the surroundings but stained all adjacent surfaces with rust.

Interestingly, Sid had consulted Google to discover that while our flight to Cologne had been at a height of 10,000m the Lancaster bombers ceiling would have been 5,500 m.

13 draught pilsners at €4.20 plus 2 Weizen at €4.30 were served in frosted pint (0.5litre) size glasses.

A heron stood on the river bank and two Kingfishers patrolled up and down the river.

The hand cranked river crossing was closed due to the rain so the group made their way back up the steep tracks through the forest. Even each step needed additional steps to assist climbing.

Thursday 26th September

Benson’s day out.

DC had a very clever smart phone equipped with useful features that included a silent setting for the alarm with the result that the planned relaxed start to the day was disrupted.

A good breakfast served on Staffordshire’s best Steelite crockery was enjoyed by most though Nails and the Gaters had opted for the super saver deal that excluded breakfast.

With Ali G’s tummy rumbling the group set off for the station where B.Ed and Tony bought group rail tickets to allow multiple trips within the day.

Sid claimed that he was about to solve an ancient mystery. He had ordered one of each of a chicken and an egg off Amazon and would see which came first.

The train was super clean and even had a makeshift mariachi band of trumpet and accordion as entertainment.

Digger recalled the tragic case of the man who wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.

A quick transfer from the train at Solingen was made to the 682 bendy bus for the short journey to the first surprise of the day.

Friday 27th September

Tim's B'day and A day to get Schlossed

Another hearty breakfast was taken despite the massive intake of red meat the previous day. Tim arrived to a chorus of Happy Birthday and was presented with a single candle that he managed to blow out.

Digger had been to the chemist for medication for his insect bites and swollen eye. The chemist had recommended that he see a doctor. “How can I see a doctor with a closed eye” he protested.

Tony suggested he contacted www.cojunctivitis.com “It’s a site for sore eyes” he explained.

The train travelled up the Rhine to Konigswinter where a short walk led to Germany’s oldest cog railway station for the journey to the Drachenfels summit.

The views over the river were spectacular and the talking Dragon marionette well worth the Euro fee.

Check in at the airport was simple, the security civilised and the propeller plane adequate.

The Gaters were waved goodbye and the taxi arrived after a short delay but the driver warned that he would have to stop at Knutsford Services for an hour or so to catch up his driving limits.

The sound of protest was loud but the journey back was made in silence and without further delay.

Thanks to Yup for a superbly organised adventure, to B.Ed for his meticulous planning and to Tony for his Treasurer’s skills.

AND a huge thanks to Jacko for yet again turning out a superb set of notes. Together with the photos they will provide a fanatstic trip down memory lane for us all.

B.Ed. led the way to the brewery/beer hall but declined the guided tour due to shortage of time. The beer house had formally been a swimming spa with the pool area converted for dining and dancing. The Squarrites were led to the balcony area and beers were ordered.

Yup had set his heart on dining on Pork Knuckles but the German of the menu defied translation. One item translated as Farmer’s bottom and was not chosen. Most ordered pork in various forms with some receiving the desired knuckles set in pork scratchings and fat. Bolt settled for curry worst that arrived bristling with ginger hair with curry dandruff and looking like the contents of an angry Scotsman’s kilt.

The conversation turned to Bruce Lee and the mystery surrounding his death. Digger had heard that he had died of a bad cold. “Kung Flu” I believe.

The bill was called for but contained elements that required DC’s forensic eye. The brewery trip cost had been included even though not taken and no prior warning given. The manager insisted that the brewer’s time would have to be paid for but offered a free drink in settlement. It was agreed to settle without further drink but to use the money as a tip.

The bill of €477 (€31.80 each) was paid.

A local greeted the Squarrites and was surprised that, not only did B.Ed. know the height of the bridge, Digger was able to recite the constructional details of Cologne Cathedral.

The group made their way home with only brief waits at both stations for some to take an earlier night of sleep on their rigid beds and a further drink at the Craft beer corner for others.

Now yer see me,,,,, now yer don't !!!!

The Squarrites boarded the train to cross the magnificent valley to Wuppertal with a quick transfer to the suspended rail system (Schwebebahn) built over the river.

The system had been built around 1900 and though it had been refurbished still retained its Edwardian character.

It's tough at the top !!

The Squarrites opted to walk to the Schloss for a quick visit before boarding the train at the Castle stop. Nails, Bolt and Sean stayed to catch the train but Tim explored further to discover a bar with a beer garden with views over the busy river.

A round of drinks for 12 Squarrites was ordered as conkers fell from the tree above to bounce off the tarpaulin canopy and explode noisily nearby.

Digger collected two fine conker specimens. “If I have 2 nuts on a wall I have walnuts. If I have 2 nuts on my chest I have chestnuts. But what have I got if I have 2 nuts on my chin”?? The answer?. “A mouth full of xxxx.”

The hourly train left before payment could be made so the group made their way downhill on foot while displaying their football skills with a conker. The conker must have been tough for it made the whole journey down and only lost a little in size.

The 12 waited at the cog railway station to regroup (finally being able to make contact with the tearaway group who had ventured to the river) before proceeding to climb to the Hotel Petersberg, claimed to be Germany’s most famous.

The climb to the 331m high summit was steep with many false horizons and the party split into groups defined by their fitness.

Finally a gate appeared, was it a mirage, was that St. Peter and where were the 40 virgins.

Digger and Sid were already enjoying a beer but were soon joined by others in the sunshine of the beer garden.

A message was received from the wayward 3 to require a refund for their beers and €17 taxi fare. They were surprised by what Nails described as a frosty atmosphere when they arrived.

Yup led the way to the chapel built in 1764 but now within the Grandhotel and Spa Petersberg complex.

The Squarrites rushed to the open chapel door to be met by a happy bride and groom being showered with rose petals.

The group discretely retreated in an anticlockwise direction to avoid photobombing such a high class occasion but the wedding party followed with the cameraman continuing to have the Squarrites centre stage.

Rob navigated his way downhill through the forest and alleyways to a small supermarket in search of refreshment. No ready meals were available so Sid bought buns, salami and cheese slices to make sandwiches on a table created on the stored trolleys.

The ferry (Rhine Cruise) was about to depart as the group arrived to cross the Rhine to find a burger and chip stall to top up the calorie intake.

The route to the railway station that Yup assured was “mainly flat” proved to be along an avenue of grand Edwardian houses dripping with affluence.

The railway station was eventually found by Rob and the Squarrites were soon on their way to Bonn.

Bonn, the birthplace of Beethoven, proved to be delightful and full of character.

Yup led the way to the Bonnsch Brewhouse where 2 adjacent tables were commandeered and beers ordered.

Sadly, there wasn't enough time to visit Gasthaus Inn Stiefel.

The Gaters elected to stay longer but the remainder made the dash back to the station for a quick transfer back to Cologne for a shower.

Even so there was a queue to get in and a delay to prepare the table.

B.Ed. reported that the day had left him mentally bruised but physically recovering.

There was a clamour of noise and apparent chaos among the staff but the food was good and traditionally English. The bad news was that Stoke lost 3-2 and the pot puree tasted awful.

The bill of €470 was paid with the help of a €40 subscription.

The Squarrites gathered in the lobby to find Tony wearing a high-vis luminous yellow Squarry shirt. Sid thought he had put on his flight life jacket a little too early.

Yup had booked the Ginti Indian restaurant the week before and had confirmed the reservation but the long walk resulted in arrival 15minutes late.

The long walk back was broken by a visit to the Paffgen Brewery where the beer was waiting and a mysterious man sat in a recess surrounded by bakelite switches and clutching an old fashioned phone. The Squarrites speculated that he was either running an illegal racket or was controlling an upstairs whorehouse.

Tony made his way back trying to blend in with his surroundings.

Saturday 28th September

The Squarrites gathered in the lobby for settlement of bills including the €17.35/room City tax before a 10:00 last trip to the station.

The journey to Dusseldorf was as efficient as ever and luggage was packed away in left luggage thanks to DC’s Tetris skills.

Yup led the way to the Uerige brewhouse where the Squarrites were ushered into a private room and plied with beer.

The sound of Bananarama singing Nathan Jones was heard to promote Andy to complain. “That’s two offences in one” he said.

“It’s not my fault. I give instructions but they don’t carry them out” does not count as management or an excuse he argued.

The Dusseldorf Beer Festival was in full swing with beer tents and oompah bands. The river was wider with a fierce flow that carried inflatables along the far shore like a white water rafting display.

The long walk back to the station was interrupted by a Kurdish protest. They carried yellow banners and shouted anti Turkish (not Tony) slogans.

The early train to the airport was missed but B.Ed. found an alternative on Platform 10 which was boarded with minutes to spare.